waste of my time

there's this guy who is in my department at uni.  he was here to do a masters two years ago, was home a year, and now is back to do a phd.  was back.  something. 

anyway.  i've met him twice, i think.  his supervisor is my supervisor.  he's... socially awkward, to put it nicely.

so he's sent me a friend request on facebook this week. 

for the third time. because the other two times, he deleted his account.  and then recreated it.  with a different name.  out of worries of identity theft. 

seriously?!  you're putting things on facebook that will get your credit stolen and stuff?  whatever.

so i'm not sure whether to even bother responding to this friend request or not.  because it's not like i know and like him;  it was just out of common courtesy for being in the same place at the same time.  i don't really want to get to him any better, either. 

and besides.  he'll just delete this account in a month or so, and in a few more months make another, and request my friendship.  again. 

*sigh*

As Gordon Ramsay might say...

f*ck me.

  ilove me some gordon.  and his vocab has infiltrated mine, at least in my mind. i don't use it out loud like he does, but it's what comes to mind when things go wrong.  'this can't be f*cking possible' and 'you're f*cking killing me!' and, of course, 'f*ck me.'  apologies to those with senistive eyes for my horrible language.  it's just what's spewing out of me right now.

what's going on?  oh, just the same old shit.  visa beaurocratic basterds ruining my life.  all over money. 

apparently it didn't cross the int'l advisor's mind to tell me that they now require you to have 600 pounds in your account for each month you are applying to stay-- with a minimum of two months.  even though i was quite clear last time that money is an issue, and i only barely had the 800 i was keeping in for the fresh talent thingy.  i don't have 1200 anywhere.  and it has to be there for 28 days prior to your applying... which is now impossible.  i have less than 28 days til my visa runs out.  so i have to fill in all the forms anyway, and go back on thursday.  why, i'm not entirely sure... because if i try with less than 1200 then i could just lose the application cost and get nothing if they reject it.  or i could wind up with just the one month extension, which wouldn't give me enough time to get enough money back in my account to apply for the post study work visa.  so.  i don't know what i'm going to do, and i'm beginning to wonder why i should even bother.  it's a good day.  ha.

i don't know what to do. i should be madly working on my thesis right now, in order to get this effing draft done and get moving on the viva and whatnot... buti have no motivation now.  i am really ready to just throw in the towel. i don't want to, but i'm feeling like i am out of options and it's not worth working my @ss off just for nothing.  or what feels like nothing right now.

anyway.  i just needed to vent.  thank you for listening.  and please don't tell me it's only money, or it'll work out in the end, or anything else like that.  i appreciate the sentiments, and i know all those things you want to say.  it doesn't make me feel any better, though, and it doesn't change the situation. just let me be angry for a wee while.  you can be angry with me, if you want.  but please don't be chipper and positive.  i can't deal with that right now.

so...angry...

i am not all that political.  i am glad to have the freedom to vote and have an opinion, but i don't get very caught up in it all, either locally, nationally or internationally.

i am, however, very opinionated about how people are treated.  especially when it is completely unfair.

i also know that a lot of people will think that this makes me political.  it doesn't.  i'm not anti-anyone-- i'm pro-everyone.  i just think that all people have the right to live and work and love, and to do so in a manner that is not in constant fear or under constant threat.

what made me so mad today was the stupid young undergrads in a class i'm taking notes for.  it's a class on the history of the middle east and all the conflicts there.  i actually am really glad to be in this class.  i have been to israel and the palestinian territories, twice.  i know people who live and work in various parts of the entire region.  i love the history, the culture, the food, the people-- arabs, jews, christians, muslims, all of them.  it is fascinating to me, and i would love to live there some day.  i also took classes in university from a rabbi-- both bible classes and classes on the holocaust.  i am not ignorant of what has been done to jewish people... but neither am i ignorant of what they have done to others.

today in this class, we were talking about the history of the conflict between israelis and palestinians, going back to the 1930s.  it has been a difficult situation for a long time, and neither side is blameless.  for the second half of the class, we watched the first half of a film called 'paradise now' about two young men from nablus, following their journey in becoming suicide bombers.  i don't know how it's going to end yet.

first off, the film is filmed in nablus.  having spent time in the west bank, and really wanting to go back, it actually made me a little homesick, which is funny because it's never been 'home' yet.  also, having spent time there with friends who have family living there, as well as having spent a summer term at hebrew university of jerusalem, i have experienced both sides-- and now i've studied the history of both sides.  this film, seeing these two young men struggle with very limited options, trying to decide what they can do, how they can make a difference for their family, their people, their land... it was heartbreaking.  at many points, i had tears streaming down my face.

and the kids behind me were giggling.  laughing.  ridiculing.  i was furious.  but i just had to sit there.

i want to be clear:  i do not support or approve of violence on either side, whether state sanctioned (israel) or revolutionary (many arabs).  i. do. not. think. violence. solves. anything. or. is. ever. the. answer.  EVER.

that being said, i do understand why many oppressed people around the globe feel that violence is their only option.  i have seen myself what life is like, and how intolerable it can be, when you are the oppressed and occupied people.  one person's terrorist is another's freedom fighter.  israel itself used the very same tactics to claim their statehood-- and are every bit as violent and oppressive towards their arab neighbours as they suffered under the nazis.

how is that fair?  how is that right?  it's not. and it's no laughing matter.

i know that there are no easy solutions, and that violence begets violence, and everyone has claims, and all that.  but i get angry anyway.

delayed payday

i do not understand the way some places work.  that's most likely because they don't work like i would like, or they don't work in ways that i would think of as making the most sense. obviously they never asked me, but still. 

for instance.  i work for a month.  i turn in all my timesheets on the last day of said month.  i get paid at the end of the following month. 

so i have to wait at least 28 days to get any dough for the work i did ages ago.  that is a long damn time to wait for my hard-earned cash.  especially when i have bills and stuff.  right now, i'm living on £50 for the entire month of march.  that means no extra activities (like coffees or dinners with friends or bus passes to anywhere).  that pretty much means only the most basic of grocery necessities, like milk and eggs.  the long-life milk, at that.  and the cheap, not-free-range eggs.  it also means no rent for my flatmate til much later.  at least k knows i'm good for it, and isn't dying for the money. 

but still.  i understand a delay for pay--i'm used to two weeks.  but this is too long.  too damn long, university. 

not that they'll pay any attention.  they don't care. 

beaurocratic bastards

i got bad news yesterday, and i can't figure out what to do about it.  my visa situation is all messed up right now.  and i'm not happy about it. 

i either have to have my thesis done, my viva done, my corrections done, and the university saying i'm done in order to apply for a post-study work visa (which is what i want) by the end of april (which is pretty damn well impossible)

or

i have to leave the country. 

i don't want to leave the country.  but while they say they want me, a person educated here, to stay here and work, they are making it f*cking impossible for me to do that.  and that's just the paperwork and timing.  the cost is out of this world. 

i'm a student for crying out loud.  i don't have £2500 to my name, in any country.  how the hell am i supposed to come up with that much, to leave in a bank account for three months, and then pay another £500 just for you to consider giving me a visa?  you've got to be joking. 

so, i'm going to spend the next month writing-- no eating, no sleeping, no nothing but thesis-- and see if i can submit in a month, get readers to agree to do my viva over spring break (good luck with that, self), get the corrections done in a week or two tops, get everything okay'd and printed and bound and turned in and paperworked.  if i can, then things might work out. 

if not, i'm totally f*cked and don't know what i'll do about it. 

why i hate undergrads

i am a student.  still.  i have been a student for the vast majority of my life.  and a typically straight a student at that.  an occasional b here and there, and sometimes less (though i would generally say those were either classes i didn't care anything about, or there were other factors, like illness).  but i am a nerd.  a student through and through.  i know how to play the academia game, and play it well. 

right now, in addition to being a student, i work for students.  i take notes in classes for them.  not just anyone, mind you.  it's through the disability services, and it pays very well.  and i get to sit in random classes, which are often quite interesting and nothing i would ever have had the chance to learn about otherwise. 

i'm damn good at my job.  the students who get my notes are more than lucky-- they are blessed.  they have absolutely no reason for not doing well.  if they fail, it's their own fault. 

so tell me, mr second year undergrad, why is it exactly that you think you had to meet with me in person to tell me what you expect from me, your notetaker?  i was polite to your face and all, but inside i was scoffing.  worse than scoffing, actually.  i could not believe that you thought you should tell me how to do my job.  my job, that i am damn good at.  that i have never had one single complain in five years, and many, many thanks and compliments.  that i have been doing for myself for most of my life-- which is no short amount of time. 

seriously?  you, a second year undergrand, know better than me how to take notes in class?  really? 

*rolls eyes* 

i'm sorry you've had bad experiences with notetakers in the past.  you don't have to worry about that from me.  and now that you've met me in person to instruct me in what i need to do *rolls eyes again*, could you please stop emailing me every. freaking. day?  what the flip do you think that will accomplish?  besides, it's not like you have anything to complain about the notes i've sent you.  you just want to make sure i'm going to show up.  as if i've missed a class yet.  dude.  relax. 

and give me a little credit.  i'm a grown up.  i'm paid to do this.  and i'm a grade-a number one nerd.  damn.  back off, bucko.