stupid small-town mentality

i'm flatsitting for a friend in mid-country nowhere, in a very small hamlet.  they have everything you need--fast food, grocery, pharmacy, bank, library... the only problem is the hours.  why is it the pharmacy thinks they can close for two hours in the middle of the day?  i need a prescription filled.  i can't be waiting around to drop it off, and then wait around to pick it up the next day.  i want it now.  but nooooo.  they open for a couple of hours in the morning, and a couple more hours in the afternoon.  how is that helpful?!

the grocery store stays open til 10pm, but they charge an arm and a leg for everything.  more than £2 for a small jar of peanut butter? no plain vanilla ice cream?  shelves empty with no idea when they'll restock?  i guess when they have a captive market they think they can get away with anything. 

and the fast food joint, as well as the restaurants and delivery places, charge more than anywhere else i've been.  captive market again?  perhaps.  in a hamlet that can't possibly be more than 1 mile square, why do they think they can charge £3 and more for delivery?  that's outrageous. 

mostly i'm just frustrated.  it costs too much to get the bus into the next city over (20 minutes, £4.90 return), so i can't even easily go get things cheaper.  or with more variety.  or whatever. 

i hate small towns.

i hope they burn in hell

and that's only a slight exaggeration.

some jerks broke into our flat this week.  the one day i was out, meeting a friend for lunch.  i was gone two hours, and when i got back couldn't get in.  our lock was broken.  we've had trouble with it before, so i thought it was just acting up.  when we finally forced the door, my flatmate and i, we still didn't really see anything amiss.  till i went to check my email, and my laptop was gone.  and the laptop a friend was loaning me so my own laptop doesn't overheat and shut down and lose my thesis.  and the thumb drive with all my work from the past six years.  and my filofax.  and two chequebooks.  and a wallet with us cash and cards.  and my flatmate's broken laptop.  and his camera with all his photos from his last holiday.  and his filofax.  and his gold chain. 

mostly i was angry about losing all my work.  my thesis.  everything but the last draft i'd emailed to my supervisor, because he still had it in email form.  two weeks' of work, completely gone.  six years of random bits and smaller pieces, completely gone.  and i'm supposed to submit in a month, and now i'm totally demoralised and don't want to do anything. 

those assholes.  i hope they get caught.  i hope they get nothing for the stuff they took.  i hope they suffer horribly from painful and humiliating diseases because of the time and energy they stole from me.  bastards.

waste of my time

there's this guy who is in my department at uni.  he was here to do a masters two years ago, was home a year, and now is back to do a phd.  was back.  something. 

anyway.  i've met him twice, i think.  his supervisor is my supervisor.  he's... socially awkward, to put it nicely.

so he's sent me a friend request on facebook this week. 

for the third time. because the other two times, he deleted his account.  and then recreated it.  with a different name.  out of worries of identity theft. 

seriously?!  you're putting things on facebook that will get your credit stolen and stuff?  whatever.

so i'm not sure whether to even bother responding to this friend request or not.  because it's not like i know and like him;  it was just out of common courtesy for being in the same place at the same time.  i don't really want to get to him any better, either. 

and besides.  he'll just delete this account in a month or so, and in a few more months make another, and request my friendship.  again. 

*sigh*

it's not really opinion when it's also true

i have this friend whom i really, truly, deeply love.  he's one of my very best friends, and i would do anything for him.  which meant sitting on the phone, on an international call, for six hours the other night. 

six hours, people.  that's a long time.  and no speaker-phone, either.  my ears still hurt. 

but i love him, so i listened.  over and over and over again.  and said the same things over and over and over again, because they are really the only things i can say. 

see, he's been not taking my advice... and it's come back to bite him.  he now knows he should have listened to me.  i knew wherein i spoke.  twice now that's been proven true.  this third time is by far the worst, and even though he knows i'm right, he still refers to it as my 'opinion' and clings to his own desperate path. 

it will end in more tears, i tell ya.  lots and lots more tears.  i know.  i've been there.

yes, it's about a girl.  and yes, she is the one in the wrong yet with all the power.  and yes, he thinks she is the only one for him ever again and that if this ends then his life ends.  i am not sure that he means that literally, but i know he believes that he'll never love again and will die miserable and alone. 

how do i get him to hear me? i really have been there, in a situation very, very similar to this one.  my ex and this girl could be related, seriously.  and i thought i'd never get over it.  and here i am, a decade later.  but because i didn't let go when i should have, because i let it drag on and on, i was about a gazillion times worse when it did end than i would have been.  and i still feel like a fool about it, because i knew then that i should end it, and didn't.  that i kept hoping, kept giving it one more try, kept thinking that this time would be different.  stupid, stupid me. 

now stupid, stupid friend.  and he just isn't hearing it.  i don't want him to hurt any more than he is now, and that is considerable.  but i also cannot pray for or support his desire for this to continue and somehow work out.  i don't think it will. 

so why won't he do what i say when i've been proven so, so right?  and how do i be a real friend when i think he's an idiot and don't agree with what he wants?

angry auntie!!

i am furious, and upset, and there is nothing i can do about it but wait. 

my nephew, who is nearly four, is in preschool in the states.  yesterday, he had a poo accident at school.  at morning play time, which is the first fifteen or twenty minutes of school.  his teacher either didn't notice, or didn't do anything about it if she did notice... so my poor bubbs had to spend the whole morning (nearly three hours!) in dirty pants.  that just isn't right. 

i mean, i know that cleaning up a 4 year old's accident isn't going to be pleasant.  but kids have accidents.  this is the only time it's ever happened in school, and my sister only lives about five minutes away.  at the very least, they should have called her to come and get him or come and change him.  but this is a health hazard--for my bubbee and for the other kiddos in the class.  and it's just irresponsible on the part of the teacher. 

on top of that, as if that weren't bad enough, when my sister was trying to find out from him what happened, he said that he didn't tell either of his teachers because he didn't want anyone to know his secrets.  that has me worried, as well.  has someone said or done something to make him feel so embarrassed, or like he shouldn't trust people, or like he has to protect himself from others?  i know he had to have been embarrassed by the accident, but is that all it is?  it's breaking my heart, because there is nothing i can do from another continent. 

i am angry.  i am upset.  i am worried.  and i'm waiting to hear what happens when my sister confronts the teacher about it today...

delayed payday

i do not understand the way some places work.  that's most likely because they don't work like i would like, or they don't work in ways that i would think of as making the most sense. obviously they never asked me, but still. 

for instance.  i work for a month.  i turn in all my timesheets on the last day of said month.  i get paid at the end of the following month. 

so i have to wait at least 28 days to get any dough for the work i did ages ago.  that is a long damn time to wait for my hard-earned cash.  especially when i have bills and stuff.  right now, i'm living on £50 for the entire month of march.  that means no extra activities (like coffees or dinners with friends or bus passes to anywhere).  that pretty much means only the most basic of grocery necessities, like milk and eggs.  the long-life milk, at that.  and the cheap, not-free-range eggs.  it also means no rent for my flatmate til much later.  at least k knows i'm good for it, and isn't dying for the money. 

but still.  i understand a delay for pay--i'm used to two weeks.  but this is too long.  too damn long, university. 

not that they'll pay any attention.  they don't care. 

beaurocratic bastards

i got bad news yesterday, and i can't figure out what to do about it.  my visa situation is all messed up right now.  and i'm not happy about it. 

i either have to have my thesis done, my viva done, my corrections done, and the university saying i'm done in order to apply for a post-study work visa (which is what i want) by the end of april (which is pretty damn well impossible)

or

i have to leave the country. 

i don't want to leave the country.  but while they say they want me, a person educated here, to stay here and work, they are making it f*cking impossible for me to do that.  and that's just the paperwork and timing.  the cost is out of this world. 

i'm a student for crying out loud.  i don't have £2500 to my name, in any country.  how the hell am i supposed to come up with that much, to leave in a bank account for three months, and then pay another £500 just for you to consider giving me a visa?  you've got to be joking. 

so, i'm going to spend the next month writing-- no eating, no sleeping, no nothing but thesis-- and see if i can submit in a month, get readers to agree to do my viva over spring break (good luck with that, self), get the corrections done in a week or two tops, get everything okay'd and printed and bound and turned in and paperworked.  if i can, then things might work out. 

if not, i'm totally f*cked and don't know what i'll do about it. 

defragging

~ don't sit on the end seat of an otherwise empty row if you don't want to have to move to let people in to sit down.  seriously.  you can't get annoyed about that-- it was your own damn choice.

~ why is it that people think they can rearrange the times set for meetings, classes, etc on a whim-- and expect people to be able to shuffle the rest of their schedules around at just a few minutes'  notice?  it's not that easy, people.  i understand last minute problems, but dang.  i can't just skip everything else in my day so that you can be an hour late.

~ i thought about doing the 'rants and raves' meme, but i've got nothing to rave about.  it's all rants.

~ the days are getting noticeable longer.  yay.  but it is still colder than hell here.  yes, for me, hell would be cold.  hot i could handle.

~ why is it that everyone insists on telling me, 'oh, of course you can. don't be silly' when i say i feel like i can't do something?  like something feels impossible?  i know that technically it can be done, and i know that logically, based on my history and my make-up and all that jazz that it CAN be done.  but what i feel doesn't match that.  you don't make me feel better by pooh-poohing my feelings about it.  just sympathise and let me get it out.  encourage me later, after you've taken my concerns seriously.  sheesh.

~ i really miss diet sundrop.  nothing like that exists where i am.

~ i really like kirkyards.  graveyards.  cemetaries.  does that make me creepy?

~ i haven't called or spoken to my parents since thanksgiving.  does that make me a bad child?

~ this is kind of fun.  getting out all my random thoughts feels good.

~ why do academics so often have to be such douchebags?  i mean, really.  yes, you're smart, and yes, you've put in your time, but dang.  that doesn't mean you are always the only one right, and it sure doesn't mean that i'm an idiot because i've not reached your level yet.  get over yourselves, academics!

~ i want to be a stay-at-home.  not anything particular after that;  just a stay-at-home.  too bad no one pays for that kind of life...

share the space!

seriously, people... do you have to take up the entire pavement?  can't the three of you scrunch together, or walk single file, so the rest of us don't have to go in the street to get around you, or slow down to your drunken high-heeled crawl? 

i just don't understand this.  it's bad enough when i get stuck behind people-- but i do understand that they can't see me.  of course, they should move a bit when they realise i'm trying to squeeze past, but still.  it's still rude, but it's not nearly as bad as when they are walking towards me.  four of them, spread out across the entire pavement.  and not one of them makes a move to clear some space for those of us going the other way.  c'mon!  really?  you jerks can't move just a tiny wee bit so i can get through?  apparently not.

today, though, it was the drunk man and woman (this was just after 1pm) who were staggering their way along.  sometimes they were making out as they walked (very crookedly).  sometimes they were holding hands and each weaving in a different direction.  sometimes they were pushing each other away, and covering who-knows-what distance and part of the pavement.  i actually did have to step into the street--into oncoming traffic-- to not just get around but get away.  they were a menace, and an annoying one, at that.

it's rude, people.  just some common courtesy here for your fellow walkers.  that shouldn't be too much to ask, even when you are blitzed out of your mind.  damn.

why i hate undergrads

i am a student.  still.  i have been a student for the vast majority of my life.  and a typically straight a student at that.  an occasional b here and there, and sometimes less (though i would generally say those were either classes i didn't care anything about, or there were other factors, like illness).  but i am a nerd.  a student through and through.  i know how to play the academia game, and play it well. 

right now, in addition to being a student, i work for students.  i take notes in classes for them.  not just anyone, mind you.  it's through the disability services, and it pays very well.  and i get to sit in random classes, which are often quite interesting and nothing i would ever have had the chance to learn about otherwise. 

i'm damn good at my job.  the students who get my notes are more than lucky-- they are blessed.  they have absolutely no reason for not doing well.  if they fail, it's their own fault. 

so tell me, mr second year undergrad, why is it exactly that you think you had to meet with me in person to tell me what you expect from me, your notetaker?  i was polite to your face and all, but inside i was scoffing.  worse than scoffing, actually.  i could not believe that you thought you should tell me how to do my job.  my job, that i am damn good at.  that i have never had one single complain in five years, and many, many thanks and compliments.  that i have been doing for myself for most of my life-- which is no short amount of time. 

seriously?  you, a second year undergrand, know better than me how to take notes in class?  really? 

*rolls eyes* 

i'm sorry you've had bad experiences with notetakers in the past.  you don't have to worry about that from me.  and now that you've met me in person to instruct me in what i need to do *rolls eyes again*, could you please stop emailing me every. freaking. day?  what the flip do you think that will accomplish?  besides, it's not like you have anything to complain about the notes i've sent you.  you just want to make sure i'm going to show up.  as if i've missed a class yet.  dude.  relax. 

and give me a little credit.  i'm a grown up.  i'm paid to do this.  and i'm a grade-a number one nerd.  damn.  back off, bucko.  

the cupboards are still largely bare....

because no one is open at all over the holidays.  not only are they closed on christmas, early on new year's eve and all day long on new year, then we have a stinking local holiday on 4 january.  seriously?!  we didn't just have enough days off?  and all the tiny wee shops in the tiny wee village where i'm staying just now are all closed.  because their tiny wee owners can do that, i guess.  but how am i supposed to buy groceries, especially when the co-op is out or ridiculously over-priced?  i don't have a car.  bus travel here is expensive and it takes a good while to get into a big enough town to have shopping.  and then i have to carry it all back on my aching back without falling on my back side in the ice and snow.  no thank you! 

so i just ended up carting back about two tons worth of food from my pantry at home, when i was back for two days' worth of appointments.  it nearly killed me, hauling that case in the icy snow all the way to the train station... but at least i'm not starving now.  because i'm not sure when or if i'll be able to order in groceries, because i had to spend my life savings on posting parcels home to everyone for christmas.  which, again, is another story in itself...

that's my seat, part two

i am a type a personality.  i follow the rules, because that's why they are there.  there are reasons.  i only bend or break them when i think they are dangerous or bad.  but otherwise, no.  i just do what i'm supposed to do. 

i get really annoyed when other people don't. 

for instance.  what's the point of reserving seats on my train journey when someone else is invariably going to be sitting in my seat?  i have to face forward or i get motion-sick.  so when i order my tickets, i request a forward-facing window seat.  the train people put a 'reserved' sign on my seat.  clearly marked. 

and yet, when i board, there is someone in my seat.  the one clearly marked as reserved. 

that's my seat, i politely say.  i reserved it. 

well, there are plenty of other seats.  just pick another, they say. 

i don't want another, i say.  that's why i reserved THAT one. 

well, someone was in my seat, so i sat here.  go and do likewise, they say (although not usually so articulately). 

grrrrrr.  i glare at them. 

but i always have to go off and hope to find an open seat which fits my specifications.  and always, always, always this kind of thing goes on all around me. 

what is the point, train companies, of allowing me to reserve a seat if i'm not going to actually get the seat?  your train people don't care.  even when i explain and ask for their help.  they also tell me to just pick another seat. 

seriously?!  what's the point of that?! 

i do not like people breaking rules like that.  no harm done, you say?  perhaps.  but it's damn annoying, that's for sure. 

that's my seat

so i met my friend for lunch in the student union the other week.  yes, it was busy time of day.  no, there were not many seats.  i got there early, and grabbed a seat for myself and the three other people who were to join me.  while i was waiting, a few people came and asked if they could sit there.  they were disappointed but moved on when i said i was meeting friends. 

my friends arrived.  one of them stayed at the seats while the others of us when to order and get our food (i had to write my friend's order on my hand so i wouldn't forget).  after waiting forever in the long line, i got up to the till and discovered they didn't have what my friend had asked for (a certain cookie).  so i texted her to find out if she wanted something else.  she gave me her revised order, and told me that some girl was sitting in my seat, even though she had been told that people were sitting there. 

seriously?!  i had to see this...

so i walked back to our seats.  all my stuff--coat, bags, etc-- were on the end of the bench where i had been sitting.  this was easily a three person bench.  this girl was sitting RIGHT BY MY STUFF.  not on the empty far end of the bench, but right on top of my coat.  wtf, girl?!

i walked up, and knowing that my friend had already told this freak that there were people sitting there, i said: that's my seat.  she looked at me like i was the one out of line, and scooted down a little to the other end.  just then the other people came up, and i said: they are with us.  she looked at me real snooty-like and finally gathered up her stuff.  my friend and i just looked at each other in disbelief. 

turns out, she had come up while my friend was holding our seats and just sat down.  didn't ask if there was room, didn't mind that all my stuff was right there... just sat down.  my friend said, my friends are sitting there.  freak says, they aren't here now.  friend says, they are getting food and will be right back.  freak says, i'll move if they come back.  then i came back, and she acted like i was the freak. 

come on, people.  you don't just sit down practically on top of someone else's stuff.  i don't care how crowded a place is... you don't just make yourself at home where there are obviously other people, without even asking.  if there is room, i don't mind sharing the space.  but give me a break!

freak.

Dear Local Bus Company

dear local bus company,

i have been sympathetic to your stike action as long as i can.  now that it's over, i have a few things to say to you. 

first off, you have a monopoly in this town.  you already charge us, your customers, more than we would pay anywhere else in the country.  and yet you strike for more money?  and put us at an inconvenience by your lack of service?  that hardly seems to be targeting the right group.

secondly, you are never on schedule, even when you are supposedly running on schedule.  i cannot tell you how many times i've waited half an hour or more for a bus that is supposed to come every ten minutes, just to see three go back literally bumper to bumper in the opposite direction.  what the hell? 

thirdly, why do you think it's okay to leave people standing at the bus stop, when they are obviously waiting for you?  under the shelter, at the curb, tickets out... and you whizz on by.  even after making eye contact.  at 10pm.  with only one other bus due after that.  not cool, driver.  really, not cool.

fourth, why do you cut the only fare i use (a student day pass) with no warning?  i bought it one day;  the next day i ask for it and am told you don't sell them.  what the hell?  i just bought one yesterday, and no one mentioned they were being discontinued.  no signs on buses.  no notice on the website.  nothing.  now i have to pay full fare, or buy a weekly/monthly/yearly pass?  give me a break.  you suck. 

luckily for me, i don't often need you.  and believe me, i won't be giving you any of my money any more than i absolutely have to.  you have lost this occasional customer.  i hope that's the outcome you were hoping for with your strike action. 

sincerely,
on my own two feet

Unannounced

i love surprises.  i don't want to know what gifts you've gotten me until i open them-- on the occasion, and not before.  i love parties i don't know about in advance.  i love running into people that i didn't expect to see.  and getting someting in the post that i didn't order or expect?  brilliant. 

i love surprises.

okay.  i love GOOD surprises. 

is there a word for a bad surprise?  a shock, perhaps?  or being startled?  or... i don't know.  something else?

yesterday, i got a bad surprise.  it's not the first time.  sadly, it happens a good bit.  my flatmate's boyfriend showed up for the weekend.  which is fine, really. i don't mind him;  i just would like to know that he'd coming before the buzzer sounds.  is that too much to ask?

i can sometimes guess when he might be coming.  K (my flatmate) will stock up the fridge (which never happens otherwise, as K rarely eats anything here but ready-meals).  and clean like crazy.  and be home on a Saturday.  usually K works all weekend (or is at least somewhere other than here... i haven't actually asked if it's work or not).  so i'm pretty used to being on my own all weekend.  lazying around on the sofa in my pyjamas, watching tv, playing online, whatever.  not doing the dishes til sunday night, so they are at least done by the time K gets back on monday.  typical stuff like that.

but yesterday, K comes home from work in the afternoon.  and stays, instead of rushing off again as per usual.  and then...  buzzzzz.  someone is wanting to be let in.  damn it.  thankfully this time, they had plans for the theatre, so i still ended up with the flat to myself last night.  but once they were back, it was third wheel time for me.  so i went to bed early.  not that it made any difference. 

when i went to get up and ready for church this morning, the bathroom was occupied.  i waited and waited and waited... but to no avail.  by the time they were both ready (after extended baths or showers or what have you), it was too late for me to get ready and walk the thirty minutes or so to church.  bah.  so i went back to bed until they left.  and now i'm sitting here wondering when they'll be back, because i didn't bother to shower or get dressed.  no point in going out now.  still in my pjs. 

i guess i'll just retreat to my room again when and if they return.  and wish that next time, K would give me a little warning before the boyfriend comes over.  it's not him being here that bothers me;  it's the very bad surprise of not being prepared for company til he's here. 

grrrrr.  i hate those kind of surprises.  why can't i just get a little hint ahead of time?  is that so hard? 

an experiment

i don't have a quick temper.  it takes a lot for me to actually get angry, but once i do, i can hold a grudge with the best of them.  however, i am easily annoyed.  lots of things annoy me, all the time.  these things i get over quickly, usually... but it tends to annoy people around me when i complain about them.  so here i am.  using this place to rant about the things that annoy me... as well as the things that i am angry about.  still angry about, in some cases. 

i have an image to protect, hence the web address name.  i am a nice girl.  sweet, polite, considerate, helpful.  that is how others see me, and how i mostly see myself.  but i know that i have this dark side, this darkness inside, that i never let out.  okay, that i rarely let out.  but i need to be honest about who i am sometimes.  i need to let that dark side of me speak.  ta-dah! 

why is it easier to talk to strangers about some things?  why am i writing this anonymous blog for you, dear readers, instead of talking to my friends and family?  well, that's pretty easy.  you don't know me.  you don't have any preconceived ideas about who i am, you don't expect anything from me, you won't be shocked or offended or hurt by the things i might say.  okay, i guess you might... but then, i don't know you, so i don't really care how you react.  if you don't like what i say, you don't have to keep reading.  i guess it's the freedom of being able to say what i really think and feel, without having to worry about how it will be received or who will be judging me... because even if you are sitting there judging me right now, i don't know it.  it's really very freeing.  and maybe someone out there might even understand me a bit, or sympathise, or even agree. 

maybe by letting my dark side into the light, i might be encouraging someone else who feels like they have to stay hidden, keep many of the 'real' parts of themselves tucked away deep inside.  we all want to know, and be known... i guess i'm mostly hoping that this will help me better know myself, to integrate my good and not-so-good bits into a better, more whole self.  and if anyone else finds anything good from this along the way, then yay.  because i know i can't be the only one who feels like she is two different people-- the one she shows, and the one she feels she has to hide.