Friday, 10 September 2010

You Obviously Didn't Hear What I Said

so i just sent an email update around to my contacts, friends and family and people i know who have been supportive of me in various ways during the past few years while i've been living abroad and working on my phd.  it's submitted now, and my viva is in ten days.  yay for that. 

however, everything else in my life is up in the air.  i have no visa currently, because the visa people haven't dealt with my application from back in april.  which means i might not be able to apply for the post-study visa i've been planning on getting forever since i started this program here.  and if i can't do that, then i'll have to go back 'home', which is NOT home anymore.  i. do. not. want. to. go. back.

i detailed both these things in the email, and then asked for people to pray with me, if they are the praying kind.  for peace of mind in the viva, so i don't break down in tears-- crying being my default reaction to any strong emotion, and completely beyond my control to stop.  which could be embarrassing in an academic meeting of that sort.  =S  but also for peace of mind as to what to do in the future-- because i don't have peace about any of my options just now.  if it were just financial, there is only one obvious choice.  if it were just emotional and what i want, there is only one obvious choice.  but it's a mix of those things, and things outside my control.  and i have no peace about any of the options that i can see before me just now.  so i asked for people to pray with me in this. 

so what did some woman i don't even know write back?  my mum apparently forwarded my email to all the people she works with (wonderful.  really. *sarcasm*), and so this woman writes back-- oh yes, i'll be praying for you in the middle of the night when you have your viva (the time difference makes it not a convenient time for most of the people i know in other parts of the world), and then, i quote:

'as for discernment of the future, i think your mama would like you to come home.'

seriously, woman?  did you not just read my email?  it's not home to me now, and i do not want to be there.  i don't give a damn about what my mum would like.  even if i have to move back there, i will NOT be living with or near my mum.  ever.  i love her, but only from a distance.  so i do not care one bit what she wants. 

how does what she wants have any place in my discernment?  it doesn't.  and it shouldn't.  this is my fucking life, and i'm going to make my own fucking choices.  i've spent too damn long having to be and do what my mum expected from me, and i'm not doing it any more.  so either do what i ask, or don't do anything.  bitch.