Thursday, 27 August 2009

Friends? Really? *raises eyebrow*

i'm on facebook, because really, who isn't these days?  i resisted for a long time, which is another story in itself.  but now i'm totally tuned in and addicted.  it helps me waste lots of time i should be using to be productive.  which is the not-so-good side.  but it does help me keep in touch with friends who are far away, which is good, because i am quite rubbish at keeping in touch with people these days.  i used to be good at it, but that is another story, as well.  so, facebook.  it helps me keep in touch, to know what's going on with people and to be able to write just a few words to let them know i'm thinking about them, without feeling guilty for sending an email with just a few words.  plus, it's put me back in touch with people i had wondered about for years but had no idea how or where to find them.  long lost friends found.  it's a beautiful thing. 

but those aren't the problem.  the problem is this:  friend requests from people with whom i either parted with on unfriendly terms, or with whom i was never friends in the first place.  so we went to the same high school-- big deal.  there were more than 400 people just in my graduating class.  that doesn't make us all friends.  sure, i might know your name.  i might possibly be able to make small talk with you if we ever happen to run into each other.  but would i go out of my way to speak to you?  would i definitely recognise you?  would i care what you've been up to for the past number of years?  no.  because we weren't friends.  i had friends in high school;  i wasn't one of the loners.  and i knew a lot more people than i would consider my friends-- acquantainces, i guess.  i know some people just like racking up as many friends as they can, to show they are still cool... or to look cool now when they weren't then.  but seriously, people-- what's the point?  if i never talked with you, hung out with you, cared about the details of your life then, why would i now?  and vice versa-- if you didn't care about me then, why should i care about you now?  it's ridiculous.  i. don't. care. 

and if you are using a name that you didn't have when i knew you, how am i even going to know if i know you or not?  i just get a request from 'sasquatch pingu' or whatever it may be, how the hell am i supposed to know that it is really my best friend from seventh grade or whatever?  especially when you don't have a photo of yourself.  c'mon people.  personal note to say, hey, it's so-and-so, i'm married and changed my name.  that would help. 

then there are those people who i would have considered friends once, but are not any longer.  i have one request sitting there right now, because i can't figure out what to do about it.  yes, we went to college together for two years.  yes, for part of that time i considered you a friend.  but you talked about me behind my back, told my secrets, embarrassed me, hurt me, made fun of me... and you expected that i would want to be your friend?  we stopped being friends back then, or didn't you notice?  and you think that just because time has passed, i've forgotten how you treated me?  or that it doesn't matter?  or maybe you have a different view of that reality?  i don't know.  i can't decide if it's worth writing to you to tell you off about it, or just to ignore your request, or accept it to see what you're up to and then delete you?  i can't make up my mind.  but really, what makes you think i want to be your friend? 

we. are. not. friends. 

not even virtual ones.  sheesh. 

Monday, 24 August 2009

an experiment

i don't have a quick temper.  it takes a lot for me to actually get angry, but once i do, i can hold a grudge with the best of them.  however, i am easily annoyed.  lots of things annoy me, all the time.  these things i get over quickly, usually... but it tends to annoy people around me when i complain about them.  so here i am.  using this place to rant about the things that annoy me... as well as the things that i am angry about.  still angry about, in some cases. 

i have an image to protect, hence the web address name.  i am a nice girl.  sweet, polite, considerate, helpful.  that is how others see me, and how i mostly see myself.  but i know that i have this dark side, this darkness inside, that i never let out.  okay, that i rarely let out.  but i need to be honest about who i am sometimes.  i need to let that dark side of me speak.  ta-dah! 

why is it easier to talk to strangers about some things?  why am i writing this anonymous blog for you, dear readers, instead of talking to my friends and family?  well, that's pretty easy.  you don't know me.  you don't have any preconceived ideas about who i am, you don't expect anything from me, you won't be shocked or offended or hurt by the things i might say.  okay, i guess you might... but then, i don't know you, so i don't really care how you react.  if you don't like what i say, you don't have to keep reading.  i guess it's the freedom of being able to say what i really think and feel, without having to worry about how it will be received or who will be judging me... because even if you are sitting there judging me right now, i don't know it.  it's really very freeing.  and maybe someone out there might even understand me a bit, or sympathise, or even agree. 

maybe by letting my dark side into the light, i might be encouraging someone else who feels like they have to stay hidden, keep many of the 'real' parts of themselves tucked away deep inside.  we all want to know, and be known... i guess i'm mostly hoping that this will help me better know myself, to integrate my good and not-so-good bits into a better, more whole self.  and if anyone else finds anything good from this along the way, then yay.  because i know i can't be the only one who feels like she is two different people-- the one she shows, and the one she feels she has to hide.