Friday, 23 April 2010

it's not really opinion when it's also true

i have this friend whom i really, truly, deeply love.  he's one of my very best friends, and i would do anything for him.  which meant sitting on the phone, on an international call, for six hours the other night. 

six hours, people.  that's a long time.  and no speaker-phone, either.  my ears still hurt. 

but i love him, so i listened.  over and over and over again.  and said the same things over and over and over again, because they are really the only things i can say. 

see, he's been not taking my advice... and it's come back to bite him.  he now knows he should have listened to me.  i knew wherein i spoke.  twice now that's been proven true.  this third time is by far the worst, and even though he knows i'm right, he still refers to it as my 'opinion' and clings to his own desperate path. 

it will end in more tears, i tell ya.  lots and lots more tears.  i know.  i've been there.

yes, it's about a girl.  and yes, she is the one in the wrong yet with all the power.  and yes, he thinks she is the only one for him ever again and that if this ends then his life ends.  i am not sure that he means that literally, but i know he believes that he'll never love again and will die miserable and alone. 

how do i get him to hear me? i really have been there, in a situation very, very similar to this one.  my ex and this girl could be related, seriously.  and i thought i'd never get over it.  and here i am, a decade later.  but because i didn't let go when i should have, because i let it drag on and on, i was about a gazillion times worse when it did end than i would have been.  and i still feel like a fool about it, because i knew then that i should end it, and didn't.  that i kept hoping, kept giving it one more try, kept thinking that this time would be different.  stupid, stupid me. 

now stupid, stupid friend.  and he just isn't hearing it.  i don't want him to hurt any more than he is now, and that is considerable.  but i also cannot pray for or support his desire for this to continue and somehow work out.  i don't think it will. 

so why won't he do what i say when i've been proven so, so right?  and how do i be a real friend when i think he's an idiot and don't agree with what he wants?

Monday, 19 April 2010

hot lava + cold snow =

aberdeen's weather. 

it has been largely clear and sunny skies, with even some warmth if you stay out of the shade.  but not today.  i blame the volcano.  today it's overcast.  near-freezing (actual temperature, not figure of speech). snowing and sleeting.  ridiculous.  i know aberdeen has crazy weather, but this?  no thank you. 

i also am frustrated for friends who are stuck here when they'd rather be somewhere else.  on holiday.  visiting relatives and friends.  anywhere else.  just like they'd planned.

i do not feel sorry for people who are stuck here who actually belong somewhere else.  i mean, dang.  enjoy the imposed longer holiday, people!  i would.

and i have absolutely no sympathy for people stuck places like faro, or malaga, or the canary islands.  seriously? you expect me to feel sorry for you having to stay there longer?  not happenin'.  no way, no how.  i'm actually quite jealous. 

i also feel sorry for iceland, though.  they just can't catch a break. 

Friday, 9 April 2010

angry auntie!!

i am furious, and upset, and there is nothing i can do about it but wait. 

my nephew, who is nearly four, is in preschool in the states.  yesterday, he had a poo accident at school.  at morning play time, which is the first fifteen or twenty minutes of school.  his teacher either didn't notice, or didn't do anything about it if she did notice... so my poor bubbs had to spend the whole morning (nearly three hours!) in dirty pants.  that just isn't right. 

i mean, i know that cleaning up a 4 year old's accident isn't going to be pleasant.  but kids have accidents.  this is the only time it's ever happened in school, and my sister only lives about five minutes away.  at the very least, they should have called her to come and get him or come and change him.  but this is a health hazard--for my bubbee and for the other kiddos in the class.  and it's just irresponsible on the part of the teacher. 

on top of that, as if that weren't bad enough, when my sister was trying to find out from him what happened, he said that he didn't tell either of his teachers because he didn't want anyone to know his secrets.  that has me worried, as well.  has someone said or done something to make him feel so embarrassed, or like he shouldn't trust people, or like he has to protect himself from others?  i know he had to have been embarrassed by the accident, but is that all it is?  it's breaking my heart, because there is nothing i can do from another continent. 

i am angry.  i am upset.  i am worried.  and i'm waiting to hear what happens when my sister confronts the teacher about it today...

Thursday, 8 April 2010

life with, and yet without

i have a decent chunk of change sitting in my bank account.  whether or not it's enough to get my visa extended is still to be seen.  what it is enough for, however, is to make my life miserable.  or at least very frustrating.  there are things i need... that i could technically even afford to buy.  but i can't.  here's my list of things i need (not even counting things i just would like to have):

fresh groceries (i did just splurge on pantry items and nonperishables to see me through
new mattress: the springs in mine are poking me
new contacts: i've been wearing my one-month disposable pair for about six months now
new glasses: my frames are about a decade old, and the prescription is nowhere near right
postage: to send my sister and brother-in-law birthday gifts (late now), and my godson/nephew his easter gift
toiletries: like hair stuff, and toothpaste, and other necessary girlie items
bus fare: 2.60 every once in a while, so i can visit friends in far parts of town
rent: luckily, my flatmate knows i'm good for it, and since he owns the place, he'll let me slide
sunglasses:  i can't go out in the light without them, but i've lost two pair in two weeks.  bah.
underclothes: yeah.  socks and underwears and bras.  mine are... well, not in good shape. 
academic expenses: to bind my thesis, pay my graduation fee, etc

i know that i am lucky to be living where i do, doing what i am, and all that stuff.  i am not literally starving (yet), and i am not in danger of being put out on the street (yet).  but i am--and having been--living well under the poverty line for quite a few years now.  it gets old.  i know how to budget, i don't splurge on luxuries very often, things like that.  but still.  it'll be so nice to actually be able to buy the things i need one day...

Monday, 5 April 2010

As Gordon Ramsay might say...

f*ck me.

  ilove me some gordon.  and his vocab has infiltrated mine, at least in my mind. i don't use it out loud like he does, but it's what comes to mind when things go wrong.  'this can't be f*cking possible' and 'you're f*cking killing me!' and, of course, 'f*ck me.'  apologies to those with senistive eyes for my horrible language.  it's just what's spewing out of me right now.

what's going on?  oh, just the same old shit.  visa beaurocratic basterds ruining my life.  all over money. 

apparently it didn't cross the int'l advisor's mind to tell me that they now require you to have 600 pounds in your account for each month you are applying to stay-- with a minimum of two months.  even though i was quite clear last time that money is an issue, and i only barely had the 800 i was keeping in for the fresh talent thingy.  i don't have 1200 anywhere.  and it has to be there for 28 days prior to your applying... which is now impossible.  i have less than 28 days til my visa runs out.  so i have to fill in all the forms anyway, and go back on thursday.  why, i'm not entirely sure... because if i try with less than 1200 then i could just lose the application cost and get nothing if they reject it.  or i could wind up with just the one month extension, which wouldn't give me enough time to get enough money back in my account to apply for the post study work visa.  so.  i don't know what i'm going to do, and i'm beginning to wonder why i should even bother.  it's a good day.  ha.

i don't know what to do. i should be madly working on my thesis right now, in order to get this effing draft done and get moving on the viva and whatnot... buti have no motivation now.  i am really ready to just throw in the towel. i don't want to, but i'm feeling like i am out of options and it's not worth working my @ss off just for nothing.  or what feels like nothing right now.

anyway.  i just needed to vent.  thank you for listening.  and please don't tell me it's only money, or it'll work out in the end, or anything else like that.  i appreciate the sentiments, and i know all those things you want to say.  it doesn't make me feel any better, though, and it doesn't change the situation. just let me be angry for a wee while.  you can be angry with me, if you want.  but please don't be chipper and positive.  i can't deal with that right now.