As Gordon Ramsay might say...

f*ck me.

  ilove me some gordon.  and his vocab has infiltrated mine, at least in my mind. i don't use it out loud like he does, but it's what comes to mind when things go wrong.  'this can't be f*cking possible' and 'you're f*cking killing me!' and, of course, 'f*ck me.'  apologies to those with senistive eyes for my horrible language.  it's just what's spewing out of me right now.

what's going on?  oh, just the same old shit.  visa beaurocratic basterds ruining my life.  all over money. 

apparently it didn't cross the int'l advisor's mind to tell me that they now require you to have 600 pounds in your account for each month you are applying to stay-- with a minimum of two months.  even though i was quite clear last time that money is an issue, and i only barely had the 800 i was keeping in for the fresh talent thingy.  i don't have 1200 anywhere.  and it has to be there for 28 days prior to your applying... which is now impossible.  i have less than 28 days til my visa runs out.  so i have to fill in all the forms anyway, and go back on thursday.  why, i'm not entirely sure... because if i try with less than 1200 then i could just lose the application cost and get nothing if they reject it.  or i could wind up with just the one month extension, which wouldn't give me enough time to get enough money back in my account to apply for the post study work visa.  so.  i don't know what i'm going to do, and i'm beginning to wonder why i should even bother.  it's a good day.  ha.

i don't know what to do. i should be madly working on my thesis right now, in order to get this effing draft done and get moving on the viva and whatnot... buti have no motivation now.  i am really ready to just throw in the towel. i don't want to, but i'm feeling like i am out of options and it's not worth working my @ss off just for nothing.  or what feels like nothing right now.

anyway.  i just needed to vent.  thank you for listening.  and please don't tell me it's only money, or it'll work out in the end, or anything else like that.  i appreciate the sentiments, and i know all those things you want to say.  it doesn't make me feel any better, though, and it doesn't change the situation. just let me be angry for a wee while.  you can be angry with me, if you want.  but please don't be chipper and positive.  i can't deal with that right now.